【TOEFL iBT】Independent writingでGoodを取った答案例【元TOEFL採点官による採点・添削済み】
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【追記2019年10月8日】現在120 日間の品質保証期間付きのミリオン・ボキャメモリー!!はこちらから!←リンクです!要チェック!!

今回は、TOEFL Writingの番外編ということで、実際に僕が作成したエッセイを公開します!

TOEFL Independent Writing 攻略のための4ステップ

純ジャパのTOEFL受験生にとって、TOEFL iBTは非常に難易度が高い試験です。Reading、Listening、Speanking、Writingの4セクション全てを対策するためにはかなりの時間を要します。しかし、幸いなことに、WritingセクションのIndependent writingに関しては比較的短期間でのスコアアップが可能だと言えます。それは、攻略プロセスが明確であり、かつ練習の成果が出るまでの時間も他のセクションに比べて圧倒的に短いと考えられるからです。

具体的には、以下の4つのステップで攻略していくのが王道です。①文法の理解、②語彙の増強(表現のストック)、③アカデミックライティングのスタイルの理解、④実践演習(公式問題集、TPO)の4ステップを順に攻略していくだけです。多くの受験生は①と②は言われるまでもなく勉強していると思います。しかし、ステップ④に進む前に③を理解する作業を疎かにしている人が多いのではないでしょうか?

アカデミックライティングには一定の形式、スタイルがあります。それを守らずに、我流のスタイルでいくら書いても良い評価は得られません。よく、テンプレートを暗記すれば良いと言われますが、このスタイルを理解することなく無闇にサンプルを暗記しても応用が効かない可能性が高いです。真のテンプレートとはこのエッセイスタイルを理解することに他なりません!まずは、エッセイスタイルをきちんと理解してから、実践演習でそのスタイルに沿ったものを書く練習をして下さい!(このスタイルについては、下記のブログ記事で確認してください!)

さらに言うと、ステップ④において効果的な演習を行うためには、より具体的な実践例を知ることから始めることをおすすめします。ここでは、③で学んだスタイルに沿ったサンプルを用意して下さい。できれば、純ジャパの受験生が実際にTOEFL iBTのIndependent writingでGoodを取った例を分析できれば最高です!(この記事では、まさにそのような具体例を紹介させていただきます!)③と④の間にこの作業を挟むことで、より短期間でIndependent writingを攻略できます!

さて、この記事では、より具体的なイメージを持ってもらうために、僕がTPO(TOEFL Practice Online)の問題を使った練習で、実際に作成したエッセイを紹介します。正直、少し恥ずかしいのですが、この程度の英文レベルでもGoodを取れるということをシェアしたいと思ったので、公開することにしました。

ブログの方ですでに説明したスタイル(←このリンクから飛んで下さい!)に沿って書いたエッセイとなります。どのようにエッセイを書けば良い評価を得られるのか、僕のエッセイをぜひ参考にしてみて下さい!

2つ紹介しますが、どちらもTOEFL iBT満点保持者であり、元TOEFL iBT採点官であるネイティブの方に採点と添削をして頂いたものです。確実にGoodを取れるエッセイとなっているので参考にして下さい

答案例①

Question 1: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

TPO
My answer 1 (510 words) – Score 4.75/5.00

It seems to be symbolic of adult life that people work to make money because such a thing doesn’t exist in a child’s life. Thus, having an experience of taking a part-time job leads teenage children to be accustomed to part of the adult life. This belief is quite reasonable for many people, but some people insist children shouldn’t work in adult society. In my opinion, I disagree with the statement that working as a part timer is one of the best ways for parents to help their teenage children prepare for adult life. 

First, in most societies, teenage children are not regarded as the same as adults because of the difference between the two. Adults have the right to decide what they want to do and what to choose, but for children, it is extremely restricted under the power of adults. Under such a constrained environment, if they take a part-time job, they are not likely to be treated as someone with the same rights as adults. For example, some adults think teenage children cannot do a challenging task and may order them to just focus on quite a boring task. Through such a situation, children cannot prepare for their adult life as properly as their parents think. 

The second reason, which is related to the first one, is inequality between the amount of money earned by adults and children. As mentioned above, I think adults think that children are not equal to adults. This may be reflected by how much children earn. Generally, wages for part-time workers are calculated on the basis of the amount of time they work, and wages per hour are defined by their employers. The difference between children and adults appears in that of wages per hour. For instance, in Japan, the wages of a high school students are often less than that of an adult. To experience inequality based on age shouldn’t exist in society and is not proper preparation for adult life. 

Finally, there are a multitude of things teenage children should do for preparation for their adult life. Many people say studying hard is the most important thing for preparation for adult life. This belief is strongly supported by academic literature including studies in psychology, education, and education economics. For example, education economics insisted studying at school has a positive effect on children’s adult life from the point of view of wages and happiness while experiencing part-time work has little effect on that. 

In conclusion, I disagree with the belief that one of the best ways for parents to help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to persuade them to take a part-time job. This is because of the inequality between children and adults and its effects on children’s future. In addition, children have many things they can do only in their childhood and such things are significant in preparation for their adult life. Therefore,parents should choose another way to help their children prepare for adult life.


答案例②

Question 2: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for long hours than to have a job where you work five days a week for shorter hours. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

TPO

こちらの答案例はかなり長いです。この量を本番でタイピングするのは流石にキツイので、本番では時間内に書けるようにBody部分をもっと削った形にして書くことになります。とはいえ、練習段階では、これぐらいの長さで、書いてみるのもたまにはいいでしょう!?具体例を豊富に盛り込もうとすると、簡単に量は稼げます!具体例のアイディア出しの練習だと思って取り組みましょう!

My answer 2 (613 words) – Score 4.5 – 4.75/5.00

The improvement of working conditions has been discussed many times for a long time even in my home country of Japan. While discussing this kind of problem, they often consider the amount of time they work. Generally, in Japan, most people work five daysa week. However, the three-day work week has recently been suggested as another way of working. These two separate ways to work have different merits and demerits based on workers’ wages, relationships with other workers, and efficiency. In my opinion, I disagree it is more enjoyable to work for only three days a week than the other way from these points of view. 

First, high wages are the most significant incentive for business people. They generally work more days and longer hours to make enough money to satisfy their appetite for consumption. For instance, when I was a university student, there was something I wanted to purchase, but I had little money to buy it. Thus, I went looking for a part-time job and found one as a private teacher for a high school student. While it was extremelyimportant to ensure the student obtained a respectable grade in some examination, my first priority in working the position was to earn money. In fact, there were multiple options I had to choose from, but I decided that job because it offered me the highest wages. A worker working in a the three-day work week will less time to work than in a five-day work week. That means three- day workers make less money than five-day workers even when they work for long hours a day. 

Second, it is extremely important for enjoyment in a person’s work to be in a good environment with great relationships with other workers. If people hope they work in a comfortable environment, they must be in touch with their colleagues constantly and keep a good relationship among them. This is because a good relationship among people strongly relies on how often they meet and speak with each other. From my experience, I could have a better relationship with my colleagues when I workconstantly than when I work only a few days a week. Hence, the five-day work week is a better choice because it offers people opportunities to communicate with others constantly. 

The final reason is about efficiency or labor productivity. Almost all the companies aim at achieving a good performance. In order to make a large benefit, they often try to bolster their workers’ skills and attain better performance than before. Unfortunately, it is impossible to install a new skill on a worker’s brain as easily as in the case of a computer. It takes a lot of time to train workers. In Japan, there are many newcomers having difficulty learning skills needed for their jobs every year. Most of Japanese companies have on-the job training, which makes newcomers more accustomed to their jobs and more skilled ones during working time. The five-day work week leads people to commit to their job, and thus, they can acquire knowledge and skills needed much earlier than a three-day work week could do. That also leads to workers’ satisfaction and enjoyment. 

In summary, I disagree with the statement it is more enjoyable to work for only three days a week than the other way. This is because of workers’ high wages, good relationships among coworkers, and efficiency. In addition, those elements as mentioned above are needed for mental health or changing their mind to positive attitude. Therefore, by having a five-day work week, working people should feel more satisfied with their enjoyable workplace.


ここまでお読み下さりありがとうございました。補足になりますが、答案例の中で使った具体例については、虚実入り混じっております(笑) 脚色?しながら話をつくる技術も試験突破のためには必要かもしれません。今回、ご紹介した答案例が、皆さんのスコアアップのためのヒントになれば幸いです!他の記事も合わせて参考にして下さい!それではまた別の記事でお会いしましょう!

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